Inabilities

"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people. ~Tom Masson

I was swapping sheets out this afternoon - flannel for cotton, since summer is finally here - and, as I was folding up the newly washed flannel sheets, and I fumbled with the *&$^^&%% fitted sheet, I started thinking about all the things I can't do.

1. I can't fold fitted sheets.

I've been shown how to do this a few times, and I always watch closely. When I'm sure I know how to do it, I hie my fanny home and try. No go. I might as well just wad them into a ball and stuff them into the linen closet. Oh. Wait. That is what I do.

2. I can't raise just one eyebrow.

Growing up, reading the old Harlequins, I was always intrigued by the way each and every hero could lift an eyebrow (usually "sardonically"). I tried and tried, with no success. I can remember once, in eighth grade, my friend and I were talking about this very issue - during class of course -- and our teacher cleared his throat to get our attention. When we looked at him from the back row - where he couldn't possibly have heard the content of our whispered conversation - he lifted one eyebrow. We literally fell out of our seats laughing.

3. I can't squash spiders. Or beetles. Or grubs.

I can't squash spiders because I like them. They're "good bugs" (in this house, we have definitions of good and bad bugs. Good bugs eat other bugs. Bad bugs eat my plants.) and are therefore deserving of life. They are scooped up and taken outside to a warm, dry place where they can live to eat another day.

I can't squash beetles unless I can't hear the "crunch". That crunching sound does me in every time. I've taken to drowning them in a bucket of soapy water instead (but only the "bad" ones: Japanese Beetles and Red Lily Beetles and most recently, Click Beetles -- whose larva is the wireworm... grrrr -- all others get to live).

I can't squash grubs for a similar reason. They squish. Their little guts go everywhere. I was totally disgusted last weekend, during the sprinkler installation. We have Japanese beetle grubs in the lawn, and my SIL was squishing them -- with her bare hands. EEEEEEEEWWWWWW.... Not me. I put them into the bucket with the beetles.

4. I can't eat the venison in my freezer.

I looked it in the eye when my husband brought it home. We bonded. I'm not eating it.

5. I can't diet.

The moment I say "I am on a diet", I am instantly filled with cravings and hunger pains. I say this because, for the past three days, I've been dieting. And I'm starving. It's not like I'm really eating less (minus the peanuts that I snacked on). It's the whole forbidden fruit thing. I've been strong so far, because I've gained enough that my wedding ring cuts off my circulation and I'm not paying $125 to get it sized (that's four contest entries, for crying out loud!). I just don't do deprivation well.

What's the point of my soul-baring? I think I'm going to give some of these problems to my next heroine. Just because I can. And misery loves company.

Although, I might make her able to lift just one eyebrow, cuz that's really cool.