Saturday, June 03, 2006


"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people. ~Tom Masson

I was swapping sheets out this afternoon - flannel for cotton, since summer is finally here - and, as I was folding up the newly washed flannel sheets, and I fumbled with the *&$^^&%% fitted sheet, I started thinking about all the things I can't do.

1. I can't fold fitted sheets.

I've been shown how to do this a few times, and I always watch closely. When I'm sure I know how to do it, I hie my fanny home and try. No go. I might as well just wad them into a ball and stuff them into the linen closet. Oh. Wait. That is what I do.

2. I can't raise just one eyebrow.

Growing up, reading the old Harlequins, I was always intrigued by the way each and every hero could lift an eyebrow (usually "sardonically"). I tried and tried, with no success. I can remember once, in eighth grade, my friend and I were talking about this very issue - during class of course -- and our teacher cleared his throat to get our attention. When we looked at him from the back row - where he couldn't possibly have heard the content of our whispered conversation - he lifted one eyebrow. We literally fell out of our seats laughing.

3. I can't squash spiders. Or beetles. Or grubs.

I can't squash spiders because I like them. They're "good bugs" (in this house, we have definitions of good and bad bugs. Good bugs eat other bugs. Bad bugs eat my plants.) and are therefore deserving of life. They are scooped up and taken outside to a warm, dry place where they can live to eat another day.

I can't squash beetles unless I can't hear the "crunch". That crunching sound does me in every time. I've taken to drowning them in a bucket of soapy water instead (but only the "bad" ones: Japanese Beetles and Red Lily Beetles and most recently, Click Beetles -- whose larva is the wireworm... grrrr -- all others get to live).

I can't squash grubs for a similar reason. They squish. Their little guts go everywhere. I was totally disgusted last weekend, during the sprinkler installation. We have Japanese beetle grubs in the lawn, and my SIL was squishing them -- with her bare hands. EEEEEEEEWWWWWW.... Not me. I put them into the bucket with the beetles.

4. I can't eat the venison in my freezer.

I looked it in the eye when my husband brought it home. We bonded. I'm not eating it.

5. I can't diet.

The moment I say "I am on a diet", I am instantly filled with cravings and hunger pains. I say this because, for the past three days, I've been dieting. And I'm starving. It's not like I'm really eating less (minus the peanuts that I snacked on). It's the whole forbidden fruit thing. I've been strong so far, because I've gained enough that my wedding ring cuts off my circulation and I'm not paying $125 to get it sized (that's four contest entries, for crying out loud!). I just don't do deprivation well.

What's the point of my soul-baring? I think I'm going to give some of these problems to my next heroine. Just because I can. And misery loves company.

Although, I might make her able to lift just one eyebrow, cuz that's really cool.


Ceri said...

LOL Great post!

Lessee, fitted sheets are the bane of my laundry existance. I try and try too, but I just can't do it. When I'm at the laundramat folding one I always feel like I'm being judged by the other people there, so I have my excuse handy-"I'm just going to put it on the bed when I get home anyway." After all, who cares if your sheets are a little wrinkled?

I can raise one eyebrow. My ex-husband can wag both brows. It was a little freakish.

I hate killing bad bugs for the same reasons. Ugh. But I try to run over those nasty tent catapillers when I'm driving (yah, that sounds safe).

I can't dive. I've always admired people who can dive gracefully into a pool. I just can't make myself fall headfirst into anything.

Jodie said...

I loved this post. I might have to ponder this and see what I can't do... vera cool!

Jodie said...

oh btw, I can completely relate to the fitted sheets.

Judy said...


I know where you're coming from here (btw, I CAN fold fitted sheets ;-p). I have been on a...ahem... diet for the last couple of weeks. I mostly avoid breads, potatoes and sweets (the last is not difficult for me, 'cause I'm not a big sweet eater). But, one thing I've done that seems to be working is I'm drinking a LOT of water. I had read somewhere sometime that if you drink an additional 8 oz. of water (in addition to the 8 you already should be drinking) for every ten pounds you want to lose, that you can lose weight without changing your eating habits. Me... I feel better doing without french fries, mashed potatoes, breads, etc (although I do miss them terribly).

mdbtl... May diets be totally laudable (appropriate? kinda??)

Tori Lennox said...

I don't know anybody who can fold fitted sheets. At least not if they want to get done in a reasonable amount of time. If I take forever to do it, I can usually manage it, but... they usually just get wadded up and shoved in the drawer. *g*

I think being able to raise one eyebrow would be cool.

I can't squish bugs either. Sometimes I can manage it with a fly swatter, though.

Kelley said...

Well, we share a few things on that list. I hate fitted sheets and dont even fold them!!! I couldnt do the venison think either if I saw the deer. I've eaten it before, but not if I've actaully seen the animal that is now in the freezer. I cant do the eybrow thing either! But I CAN squash spiders. They freak me out and I'd much rather squash them then risk the little guys running around my house.

Jill said...

Great post. I've always wanted to be able to lift one eyebrow . . .