Definition of Depression in Two Words:

Swimsuit Shopping

I went on a fruitless shopping marathon today trying to find a tankini to wear for tomorrows trip to the lake. My needs are few, but apparently impossible.

1. I don't want my boobs to hang out.
2. I don't want my belly to hang out.
3. I want bottoms that are either a skirt or boyshort.
4. I don't want to break the bank buying a suit that I'll wear maybe three times this year (I'm totally a "cost per use" kinda gal).

Guess what? I found NOTHING. I did find ONE suit that I kinda-sorta liked, but I didn't love. It was $76! That's (hang on, let me grab my calculator...) -- $25.33 per use. Puh-leez.

In honor of my oh-so depressing shopping trip, I give you:

*Calories That Don't Count*

Dieting is a lot easier when you factor in recently determined calorie counting principles. The following are calories that don't count:

CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be rude. But don't worry, because the calories don't count.

FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.

OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.

INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore, make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.

LEFTOVERS: An extra hamburger, a hotdog butt, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.

TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of a TV has no calories. This may have something to do with the radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. In fact, entire " no-calories dinners" are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.

ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example, chocolate kisses, cubes of cheese, or maraschino cherries.

CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything purchased, produced or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca-consumed for demonstration purposes-up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.

CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. I heard this last Sunday.

LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories.

AND LAST, FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hotdog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.